Tucker Max, Part III

As I was reading his book (a series of blog entries) I thought, "How can I go back to writing my blog? There's not a single story I have that can compete with this." I have led a very boring life. My assumption is that readers of this blog know that and are still willing to read it. God bless you.

I have known a Tucker Max wannabe. In fact, he lived with me for about six weeks. His name is Colby. Colby operates under the assumption that every woman wants to have sex with him. Some may not know it right away but once exposed to the Colby charm they will melt. Colby is tall, good looking, gregarious and has slept with enough women that his dick should fall off.

In late 2007 I learned that Colby had become homeless. Being the sucker I am I told him he could stay at my place until he found a new home. Oh, what fun. In the time he lived with me he took the virginity of a 23 year old Christian fundamentalist who was saving it for marriage while also having sex with others behind her back. He invited his brother to stay and proceeded to wake me up to having sex with the scariest woman I have ever seen (imagine narrow pointed chin and eyes a full inch back in her cranium. I wanted to order them out of my house but I was fearful of the hex she could put on me).

And Colby likes to drink. I, of course, like to drink as well, but Colby took it to new levels. A keg in my kegerator would last a month with me drinking from it. If I invited friends over it would last 3 weeks. During the time Colby lived me with the average keg lasted 8 days. A keg is 16 gallons. That's 2 gallons per day. A keg is 169 bottles of beer. That's an average of over 20 bottles per day.

One Saturday I returned home around 10 having had nothing to drink. I went to the kegerator. Empty. I checked the fridge where I knew 8-10 cans were there the d ay before. All gone. I sent Colby a text message: I cannot afford you as a roommate. Like Tucker Max, these players are notoriously cheap. Why pay for something when you can convince someone else to buy it?

My text to him was simple, to the point. Colby didn't come home that night or the next day. Monday night I came back from work and found that Colby had moved out while he knew I'd be at class.