My German friend Lukas sent me this:

And he wanted my opinion. First thought?  Nothing in this chart surprises except how low the Nepali and Bangladeshi Americans are... Trust me as someone who is really close to people from both countries... they are the hardest working people I've ever met. So when they do this survey again in 10 years? They will have moved up.

Who will not have moved up? My fellow white Americans. Donald Trump was elected President because white Americans have this incredible sense of entitlement and the others are out to get us. With that mindset their is no hope for my fellow anglo-saxon, white, cis-gender guys like me... so I guess I should get my shotgun and shoot up Bud Light because they had the audacity to have a transgender promote their product. 

Or I have to be an adult and recognize that this experiment of democracy that we call America requires us to accept that we are not all the same. America is not a melting pot, it's a stew. When my fellow Americans get that? We are all better off. 

Deadbeat Dads

 This is the 137th attempt to piece together a eulogy for my father... so your patience is appreciated.

To say Dad was of a different era is an understatement. When Mom died her closest sister Leona quipped, "Joyce married up. If only the rest of us were so lucky." 

To say Dad was a man of integrity is an understatement. There is a reason why distant relatives who I never met named him the executor of their wills. They knew (correctly) that Merlon Kranz would not only do what they wanted to the letter of the law but also to the intent they meant it to be. 

Do I need to mention that Mom worked for a lawyer and for their 25th wedding anniversary she had Dad served with divorce papers very, very publicly at #FMC #LinkBelt. Needless to say, I was Mom's favorite because I helped her do it, but I digress...

Dad saw his only role in life as providing for his wife and kids. To that end he was successful. There was never a day that I worried about a rough over my head or my next meal. Dad saw masculinity as being the provider - not in a way that took away anything from women because, trust me on this, his favorite child was his second child, his daughter Miriam. Miriam has the same sensibilities as Dad so of course she was the favorite. The rest of us were hotheads because we took way too much from Mom... but again, I digress.

When I gave the eulogy for Doc, Dad turned to Ann and said, "I wish he could say the same for me.

The words he was talking about were the last words of the eulogy, "I have always believed the best thing you can say about a man is that the world is a better place for his having been here. As I look around this room I can see how much better Coe and this world was because of Bill Spellman. Each of us has had time to think about the positive impact he had on our lives. By helping us to be better people the spirit of William Spellman lives on,"

There wasn't a dry eye in the room because I'm really good at what I do, but again, I digress.

The world needs more men like Merlon Kranz. I am Steven Merlon Kranz. In the Arab world taking your father's name as your middle name is the highest form of respect you can give. Trust me, I wasn't not only the favorite child, I wasn't the favorite son.  Again, I digress.

So let me cut to the chase... I'd say make a long story short but it's way too late for that at this point.

There is a total POS deadbeat Dad living in Virginia. He got a woman pregnant here in the UAE, isgned the birth certificate so he claim her as a dependent forever and then scooted back to the US where he has been claiming that child on his tax returns ever since and has rarely sent any money to his child.

Her best friend had the same thing with Emirati guy to which Mansour was like, "Give me his name, I will make him pay." 

The best part of Ramadan this year? Spending some time with Mansour's sons. They are lucky boys because they have a good man for a father.

Grudges

 I was very happy for Youssef participating in the Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed Scholarship Program (SMSP). He had amazing teachers and was able to later get a Master's in HR from NYU. 

One of his teachers in the program was the venerable #BobShrum. In Bob's long storied career he helped shepard Democratic candidates to victories for decades. The problem? On his biggest campaign - the 2004 race for President - he fucked up and the cost to the world cannot be understated.

The fact the #JohnKerry campaign allowed an ad like this to go unchallenged is beyond political malpractice... it was political suicide. 

The 2004 race was very winnable for our side. We had the war hero candidate to contrast against the guy who avoided Vietnam by going into the Air National Guard. So how the fuck did our side allow this swift boat ad to go unchecked?

On election day 2004 the early exit polls looked good. Bob actually told John Kerry, "Congratulations, Mr. President-elect." Ooops. 

I should have grace. Bob did great things in his career but when I had a chance to actually talk to him I couldn't because I wanted to punch him. 

Beyond friendship

 To say I loved Doc is an an understatement. When he had his first hear attack I went to his cardiologist and offered to give my heart for him. My love for him was absolute.

It was also my downfall. I invested too much time, energy, money into him. I have to give him credit, he told it to me.... but Doc was also a dick so?

We can pick our mentors but we can't pick our mentees. In all of my time in higher education I've looked for the Steve to Doc as I was to him. I am good... really good at what I do but to hold out hope for a me to Doc is weird dream to have. It won't happen for a dozen reasons... but, I've made fantastic friends since I moved to the UAE so perhaps my world is not a bad place. 

Minting warriors

Few sectors of the economy have shown less innovation than higher education. Most universities work on the same model that was being run well over a hundred years ago. Meanwhile the cost of attending college has grown faster than costs in another sector of the economy. Quite simply, higher ed has a chin made of glass and somebody has to give it a punch.

Now, everything I said is not originally from me. It's from my wanna be cult leader Professor Scott Galloway at NYU's Stern School of business. 

Professor Galloway believes the goal every university should have is to mint warriors. It's great to offer safe spaces and protections to anyone up until the time they go to college. When I went back to teach at my alma mater Coe College they wanted me to put a pink triangle on my door and I refused. Not because I do not support the LGTB community because of course I do. I refused because I do not see college as a safe space. College is the place where you need to have your beliefs challenged. Where you have your best friend Paul argue philosophy but can't get me as a died in the wool left of center guy to buy in. 

College is the place where you should enter as a sheep and leave as a lion ready to take on the world. We in higher education are doing our students no favors by coddling them. 

Are all gifts bribes?

Many years ago I was teaching a supply chain course. On the first day the guys (and this was an male class) had had me before in the Fundamentals of Management course. They knew me, they knew my expectations and they were horrible. I got through what I had to get through and then slammed my computer shut and said, "You are not aware, but today is my birthday and you ruined my fricking birthday. I hope you come back on Thursday ready to learn."

The next day, the biggest pain in the ass student came to my office and apologized and sheepishly left a Louis Vuitton gift bag on my desk. 

Inside? A Dh 2300 pair of sunglasses. He was long gone before I saw what he had left me.

I shreaked. My friend Jamie next door heard me so he rushed over. He was like, "Wow, I guess I need to learn to guilt trip my students better." 

For all things Emirati I turn brother Mansour. 

Steve: I can't keep this. If he bought me a cup of coffee that's one thing...

Mansour interrupted me. 

Mansour: You have to accept it. He will never ask anything of you. In our culture this is his way of apologizing. 

I followed Mansour's advice and promptly lost or had the sunglasses stolen shortly after. There is a reason I don't buy expensive sunglasses. 

I did make a note about who gave me the sunglasses in my grading excel sheet but I buried it. After I submitted grades I checked it. The student earned a C- in the class. I'll admit I had a temptation to raise the grade but I didn't.  

Professor Sanford

If I were Catholic this post would begin with, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned." Fortunately, I was raised in Missouri Synod Lutheran (so right wing the Catholics are liberal heretics) so I gave up religion decades ago. 

 In January 1990 I was:

•  Running for Student Body President
• Taking an incredibly easy J-Term class from Dean of Students Brian Austin*
• Working 20 hours per week selling electronics at Montgomery Wards
• Shadow taking a course from Professor Sanford because I thought it was interesting

I wish I had that guy's energy now, but I digress...

My friend Scott was taking Professor Sanford's class and my enjoyment every night was devouring the material from the class. The final assignment for the class was a paper that I was all too eager to write. My mistake? I didn't write it at Scott's level. 

When Professor Sanford handed back the papers he gave it to Scott with something like, "This is one of the best papers I've ever read from a student I know didn't write it." 

Scott got an A- in the class. Had I written at his level he probably would have had an A. My bad.

So this post is my confession: I helped a student cheat. There was no bad intentions. I honestly wished I had taken the class instead of Austin's lame Leadership class. 

*My A in the Leadership class was guaranteed before I walked in the door. The Dean of Students was a lousy Dean but he also knew I was going to be Student Body President and I wanted him fired. He asked me to be his TA for the class, which I happily said yes, because again, you can't give your TA anything less than A. I got my A and got him fired. Win-win. 

PS - the reason I loved Professor Sanford even though I never had a class with him: As a student government geek I served on at least one committee with him... Admissions? Academic Policies?... on that I can't remember... but Professor Sanford was one of the few faculty members who gave a shit what I thought. When he endorsed Bruce Babbit in the 1988 Presidential race I came to that ceremony because I really liked Babbit (but I was already on team Dukakis) and because I respected Professor Sanford. 

As a Professor I have read dozens (hundreds?) of papers I know the student didn't write. In one class of Strategic Management I had two projects that were over the top MBA level good. I called the students in and said, "You have the A so long as you tell me who wrote this and where did you get it from?"  What shocked me was that both groups outsourced to Indians working in a book store in Al Ain. What they paid was just over $100. My reaction? You have to give them a $50 tip and tell them not to do such a good job next time. Both groups assured me they would and by Emirati culture I am sure they did. 

 I've been working on writing eulogies for my parents because, Pastor Rempfer gave horrible eulogies for both and, well, I'm the writer child so I need to give it a go. This is the first draft of what I want to say for Mom:

Oh, where to begin…

There is a saying that parents stop having kids when they reach perfection. As the fifth and final child of Joyce and Merlon Kranz I’d like to think that was true… but my Mom wanted me to know that had abortion been legal in 1968 I probably wouldn’t be here.

If that joke seems harsh, buckle up butterbup.

Mom worked for a lawyer so for her 25^th wedding anniversary she served Dad with divorce papers… very publicly in front of all of his coworkers.

For my 21^st birthday she took out an advertisement in the college newspaper, “The friends, classmates, and fraternity brothers regret to announce that Steve’s 21^st surprise birthday party has been canceled due to lack of interest.”

Basically, if you know me? You know Joyce.

Now let’s get serious for a moment. Mom grew up dirt poor with alcoholic parents. As a teenager she’d babysit and by the rules of her parents she had to leave the money she was paid on the kitchen table when she got home. Rarely did she get to use it for herself.

Mom did catch a lucky break when she met a tall good looking man named Merlon. While I am 90% of Joyce in personality, I am clone of my father so calling him good looking is self-serving and I’m OK with that.

Mom and Dad eloped on Mom’s 18^th birthday – literally the first day they could get married without parental permission.

Like me, Mom was the extrovert’s extrovert. She worked for a lawyer in the back of the bank by day and bartended on weekends not because we needed the money… mom needed the people.

All parents want a better life for their kids… with Mom it was “I want a better life for you but I also want to keep it real so anytime you think you’re hot stuff I’m gonna take you down a few notches.”

Mom insisted us kids come to the Amana Colonies to celebrate their 59^th wedding anniversary. I was like, “Why? Why not do something big next year?” Mom said, “I won’t be here next year.”  This is the same woman who announced at a family reunion in 2004 that she had less than a year to live. Spoiler alert, she lived 7 more years. After she made that announcement I asked her, “What are you going to say when you’re back here next year?” I was not her favorite child that day.

Anyhow, we all gathered for the 59^th wedding anniversary. Les than 2 weeks later she was hospitalized and Dad and I spent the day with her… My sister Miriam asked, “Do I need to come down?” To which I was like, “Nah, she’s gonna be OK.” The next morning I woke up to a phone call from Dad, “Joyce is dead.”

I am a lucky man. I got my father’s good looks and my mother’s irascible personality. On their 55^th wedding anniversary I was conducting a wedding… I’ve reverend Steve in case you didn’t know…  asked them “What are the keys to a successful marriage?” Dad said, “Have lots of outdoor projects.” Mom said, “Have a good sense of humor.”

Dad’s job was easy, we lived on a farm so there was no shortage of outdoor projects. And for Mom, she kept her sense of humor to the end… literally cracking jokes with the hospital staff less than 24 hours before she died.

Is the world a better place because Joyce Kranz was on this planet? Absolutely… because if it weren’t for her you’d have never met me.