Why I hate trigger warnings for college students

Note: I teach adults. I do not teach children. The rules of the road for those under 18 are very different for those over 18.

Please watch this before you continue reading: Trigger warnings

I have never put trigger warnings into my syllabi and I am not about to start. By the time you start college you need to be ready, willing, and able to handle things you could not handle as a child. By the time you graduate from college you have to be ready to accept a world where there are no guardrails. You're on your own. 

A trigger warning is telling students that they cannot hear certain words... which is ridiculous. Suicide and mental illness is common in my family - it took out my aunt, uncle, and brother. I am not triggered if someone says, "Suicide" nor should I be. 

Where I am... and we really need to have a different word for this...where you are going to see me lose my shit: When someone uses suicide as a tool to manipulate people. 

To be clear:

The word suicide does not trigger me. It's how it is used that triggers me.

Early on in my time coordinating the intro to management class at UAEU I had a professor tell me he wouldn't teach the sexual harassment lesson to his students. I replied, "You will because we are AACSB accredited and the two elements of sexual harassment are very much a part of any introduction to management class. I guarantee it will be on the final." 

In some classes in America, students are being exempted from the classes where sexual harassment is discussed. 

Trust me on this: I've taught the basics of sexual harassment to almost 10,000 students. Several female students and a couple of male students talked to me outside of class to tell me the stories of their harassment. Not one burst out into tears as I discussed the subject and not one gave me a bad review. 

In other words? What's better than a trigger warning? Better teaching. 

PS - the former student who made this rant possible just let me know he's alive and well. I do not care why he left me hanging for a week worried that he killed himself. Life is too short to care about manipulative people.  (Yeah, it's best I do not work for a suicide hotline, but I digress.)

2023 Fall

 More important than anything you will learn in this class: Know who you'd take a bullet for, who you'd take a punch for, who you'd be willing to defend in public and who you'd walk away.

I am a lucky man because I have dozens of friends who love me. I'm not being bragging; it's true.

The reason they love me is simple: I have never lied to them. 

Am I capable of lying? Yeah, play poker with me... I know how to lie.

But I don't with my friends... it's just that simple. 

I lived for many years as a guy pretending to be someone he wasn't. In my early 20's I realized, "Yeah, this isn't working." So I moved to the 100% honesty model. 

It's not for everyone. Trust me, I've lost friends by being 100% honest. 

But that's OK. My world is not made better by "friends" who are my friend because I tell them what they want to hear. I want the friend to tell me what s/he really thinks. 

My friend Mohamed Saleh is a guy who:

1. Phenomenal athlete

2. Phenomenal entrepreneur

3. Close friend

I admire people who are gifted. Gifted at piano, science, sport, whatever. 

I'm gifted at storytelling and moderately gifted at all things tech. 

For me to return to UAEU and teach the capstone course (to students who had 3 years ago for the intro course) is kinda a dream come true. I love seeing how students have matured from when I saw them at the entry level. 

3 tickets

 Napolean Bonaparte: "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

In Iowa the Iowa State Fair is the main attraction for all Republican candidates. I love the State Fair. That I'm missing the cookies... everything you can imagine on a stick, and the view from the ski lift makes me sad I couldn't make it back home this summer.

Given that 100,000 Iowans come to the fair each day it is not surprising that every Republican running for President was there yesterday. On January 15, 2024 Iowa hosts the first test of the Republican nominating systerm. Iowa has a mixed record in choosing the winner of the Republican nomination. #TedCruz beat #DonaldTrump in 2016 and #JohnMcCain didn't even try to compete back in #2008... but... there is no doubt #GeorgeWBush would have never been President if it wasn't for his huge win back in 2000.

There are three tickets out of Iowa. Former President Trump will most certainly be getting one of those tickets. The question becomes, "Who else gets a ticket?

In the past I liked to create mischief - I caucused for Pat Buchanan in 1996 and Rick Santorum in 2012.  Neither Republican stood a chance in the general election so I was happy to support them to become the Republican nominee.

But the days of playing mischief are over. Democracy and the role America plays on the world stage is in question. 

On January 15th, Iowa Independents and Democrats have the ability to caucus with the Republicans. The question is, Who do we support?

I suggest we have 3 criteria that the candidate must meet:

1. Accept the results of 2020. 

2. Tell hard truths to the party - Climate change is real, vaccines save lives, supporting Ukraine is important, etc.

3. Support democracy going forward.

So who does that leave for us to support?

Chris Christie is not a good choice. He is a protest candidate with a singular mission of taking out the guy he once supported.

Doug Burgham -the governor of North Dakota is interesting but to be clear, the only area of expertise is energy. It's like he is running to be the secretary of energy more than he's running for President.

South Carolina senator Tim Scott is interesting but so far his campaign seems to be like Mitt Romney 2008... meaning, he knows he's not gonna win this time so he's running in the "I shall make no enemies so please keep me in mind in 2012."

I heard a great interview with former Congressman Will Hurd... but he's the longest of longshots.

Bottom line: We Iowa independents and Democrats cannot make mischief in 2024. We have to coalesce around a Republican who is sane. Democracy is on the line and we have the ability to help one of the sane candidates get one of the three tickets to the Republican nomination.

It's time to start the discussion.

TrueBlueIowan signing off for now.

Blocked memory

 My Aunt Leona - the beloved matriarch of our family - related a story to Miriam today about how badly abusive her parents were. Basically, on the night of her graduation Mom was beaten so badly that her boyfriend (future husband) removed her from the house and took her to stay with her best friend Miriam. (That my sister is named Miriam is not a coincidence.)

They were both 17 and in 1952 there was no protective service. Dad, as I alluded to in his eulogy, literally rescued Mom from an abusive household. 

Dad turned 18 and Mom turned 18 on August 11. Mom and Dad were married that day.

As Miriam told me what Leona had said I thought, "Umm, I knew this. Mom had told me this. Why on earth would I have forgotten that? (There was a piece of info in the story about Dad's father trying to help that I absolutely had never heard before.)

So we all know memory is a tricky thing. When your mother, your father (revealed after we resolved our differences) and aunt all tell the same story? It's fact. 

That I had that memory blocked says something about me... 

Anyhow, I'm now ready to finish Mom's eulogy and it will be done tomorrow. 

Eight Fights

 This American Life is a radio show/podcast that tells stories based on a theme. Usually it's about Americans. Episode 807: Eight fights is a story about Russian and a Ukrainian who have a son together. When war breaks out, what do you do with the son?

Masha Gessen writes for the New Yorker. She wrote and narrated this story about two of her longtime friends. It is the story of Nadia - a lesbian - who had a son with a gay male friend named Karen. 

If this seems confusing, that's OK. The hardest part for me was coming to grips with a guy named Karen. 

Nadia and Karen were living in Moscow when Luka was conceived. Shortly after he was born Mom and son moved to Kyiv. She raised him to be Ukrainian. Dad spent a month with Luka every summer and told him that Ukraine was a backwater agricultural state whereas Russia had the arts. class etc. This part of the story rang very true to me. As the True Blue Iowan, I see how my coastal friends look down on those of the Midwest, but I digress.

I won't give away anymore of the story. It's today's must listen podcast if you have the time.

Learning from loss

 In 1989 I ran for student body president as a sophomore. No sophomore had ever been elected to the office but I wanted to be the first. I'm arrogant... that's a given.

I chose a runningmate I didn't know well. She was a well-meaning person and I wish nothing but the best for Andrea.

My opponent in that race was Renee. I like Renee... let's be clear she is a phenomenal woman.

Renee chose Forest as her running mate and I knew... before any votes were cast... I'm fucked.

Why? Forest was a Phi Tau and the guy every str8 woman on campus wanted. So my opponents are a woman from the largest sorority and a guy who is part of the second largest fraternity but has ZERO enemies. I've never met a guy who didn't like Forest. He's the man every other cis-gender man wants to be, but I digress.

A year later, everyone knows I'm going to run. That's a given. This time I chose Tony as my running mate. Rather than run with someone who I didn't know well I chose to run with a guy I'd take a bullet for. If I win I win; if I lose I lose - my fall back was remaining as the chairperson of the student senate... a job I liked more than being student body president, but that's a story for a different day.

Tony signed on. Tony has two awesome older brothers. I was his adopted older brother at Coe. 

Tony took J-term to explore the southwest of the United States. Unfortunately, the election is being held while he is gone.

My opponents in my second go at the job: The biggest stud TKE and the biggest partier Coe has ever known. 

The difference? Before I entered the race I secured endorsements from, well, enough influencers that I knew I was gonna win this race. Losing sucks and I wasn't about to lose again. 

As I said to both Chuck and Dustin - "You are both studs but you're in my world and I'm gonna kick your ass."

Revenge of the Nerds 

Intelligent human beings learn from mistakes. I knew why I lost on my first attempt and I'm happy I lost. It set me up to run and win... and a mark of how successful Tony and I were? 

When he ran for student body president he had nobody running against him... which, I think, has never happened before or since. 

Sponsor

I think #AlcoholicsAnonymous is bullshit. I've read the #BookOfBill. (Most of the 12 steps are tied to religion and I'm not religious so it's easy for me to call BS),

The one element of #AA I do appreciate: The sponsor

The sponsor is the person you call when you are feeling weak. S/he talks you down from the moment when you might take another drink.

My friend Roy* is a former student. He's also a good friend. He quit drinking six years ago. It was the right thing for him to do. He didn't join AA he just quit; like Dad, but I digress.

Roy's hit a tough patch in life. Work issues, marital issues, social media issues... it easy to see how it could lead a man who has chosen sobriety to go back to drinking.

Because he's not in AA I've become his de facto sponsor; which is weird because I know I am an #alcoholic by the AA definition and I don't care. I am happy to be Roy's phone call when he is feeling the need to take a drink. I know it's his goal to not take that drink so I think I'm equipped with the skills to talk him back from doing something he'd regret. 

My favorite radio show is #ThisAmericanLife had an amazing story that made her famous. The problem? She was not an alcoholic. Here is the link... skip to Act 3: The Wisdom to know the difference  or check her page. 

I support Roy. He's a good man. I chose Roy as the psuedonym for my friend because I admire the Roy Kent character in Ted Lasso. 

*Name changed to protect his identity... given his recent issues on social media there is no way I'd use even his first name. 

Ginseng

 

In 1994 I got into taking supplements. Of which, my favorite was #Ginseng. I took it religiously. I gave it to my friends. It gave me energy. This is awesome!

Two years later my mentor wanted to hire me to teach a class at #CoeCollege as an #adjunct. Yay! I replied.

"One condition," he said, "stop taking ginseng."

"Huh?" I replied,

"Dude, since you started taking ginseng you have been walking around with a semi at all times and YOU HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW."

He was, of course, correct. 

To say I love my mentor is an understatement. I'd have given my life for him without hesitation. I also had zero attraction to him so the fact I had a semi when it's just us talking in his office... yeah, time to stop taking ginseng. 

I'm now 54 - pretty much the age Doc was when he gave me that advice. I want to see what ginseng does for me now. 

Easier here

 Is the company in growth mode or optimization mode?

LFG is in growth mode as it has introduced new key strategic objectives focused on maximizing distributable earnings and capital generation. 

But are they? It's easy to give a press release saying, "we are in a growth mode" Bezos taught the world that saying "we are in a growth mode" keeps the dogs of  Wall Street off him for decades.

When your profit/loss looks like this you obligated by your coms team to say, "We are in a growth mode."

This is YogaBabble and it has some spelling mistakes. In a critical analysis of a company never be afraid to call out BS.

Great overview of the industry.

Great Five Forces - except... and there is a theme to me being critical here... the threats and rivalry. There are a dozen companies who could eat them up and spit them out tomorrow. Apple financial, Morgan Stanley, Amazon (the company you trust for everything else wants to offer you life insurance and financial planning... you already trust us with everything else... why not trust us with this?)Etc.

WAY too kind. Your assignment is NOT to swallow everything their coms team says. 

Everything else you have is boilerplate review... If I were grading this it's a B+.

This is a company that has one way to be successful - which its coms team has done pretty well: Make yourself as attractive as you can and hope some big boy bank asks you out at the next dance. 

In other words, the only way forward for them is a merger/acquisition.

Those are my two cents. 

 July 25, 2023

Stephen King once said, "We are all gonna die... I want to make it more interesting." Well...

Steven Kranz is dead. The driver of the Coke truck that took him out is under questioning right now but authorities doubt there was foul play as Mr. Kranz was wearing a Coke shirt when he died.

In 1985 Steve was on a High School trip to Mexico and almost taken out by a Pepsi delivery truck. Recently Steve learned that the aspartame in Coke Zero is his most likely cause of death. Little did he know, it would be a delivery driver in the UAE.

The Suicide Tollbridge

 My Aunt, my uncle and my brother all committed suicide. So when it comes to depression and suicide you've never met a guy better equipped to discuss this than me. 

I won't speak about the aunt I never met and the uncle who is technically my godfather but I don't really remember him.

I can speak about Mark. 

Mark was Steve 1.0.

By all accounts Mark was insanely smart and witty. I don't think he was as extroverted as his Mom and me but he really knew how to make people take notice... I think all who knew him would say that Mark would have been a social media influencer.

Instead, my brother dropped out of HS weeks before graduation and became the story they told to all other #BCHS grads for generations of what NOT to do. 

I won't lie; my relationships with my siblings is complicated as fuck. Mom designated me as the favorite early on and Dad designated Miriam as favorite child and Marty as favorite son early on... leaving the oldest sister Kathy and oldest son Mark somewhere out there but not a great place to be.

Dad saw his reason to be on this planet is to be a good older brother and be a protector of his wife and kids. I have numerous videos on this.

Mom? This is tough. 

Mom is so much more complicated than Dad. I did Spellman's eulogy in two hours. It was easy. 

I wrote and revised Dad's eulogy because Miriam HATED the first draft. The second draft has her edits upfront and the rest is the same. 

For Mom, I have no guardrails. I is/was whatever her favorite son. So what I say is the definitive take on her life. 

And that terrifies me.

Oppenheimer

The first hour of the movie is cutting from 1932 to 1942 to 1945 to 1949. The only way the viewer knows what time period we are in is by seeing the makeup of the stars. I know this story inside and out and even I was like WTF as one moment they are talking about the need for atomic bomb that is only theoretically possible and the next moment they are discussing its impact on the future of mankind.

I wondered during the movie if my theater had the sound on wrong. It's jarring. I couldn't hear the dialogue in many points because the relentless techno sound track overshadowed the voices of the actors. From reading other reviews I learned that for Director Christopher Nolan that's a feature, not a bug.

The movie has a 3 hour run time, and this three act play is almost to the minute broken into three acts by hour. The only act I liked was Act 2, So for Star Wars fans, the second hour is the Empire Strikes Back - enjoy it. 

The third hour goes all political; which you'd think I'd enjoy. Rami Malek appears and gives a passionate speech which would be awesome if we had ever seen him before that speech. In other words it did nothing for me.

Cillian Murphy will get a best actor nomination from this movie. I wouldn't be surprised if he wins it. Cate Blanchet also has a scene in the third act that will get her a best supporting actress nomination.

Joyce Anna Ford Kranz

Prologue

We all need a person in our lives who believe in us more than we believe in ourselves. For me? It was Mom. I was the youngest of her five children and I was her favorite. None of my siblings will argue on that. At the age of 40, Dad said, "I'm happy you were there for her. You handled the side of her I couldn't." Dad's comment will make sense when you hear the rest of the story.

Part I - the early years

Mom grew up dirt poor. Her parents were raging alcoholics. Her mother died when I was very young. My only memory of her funeral was my sister Miriam saying, "It's too bad you'll never know her." 

Mom was born on August 11, 1934. She was the second oldest of a family with 5 girls and one boy. 

Because they were poor Mom took baby siting jobs as young as she possibly could. The rule: When she returned home she had to leave her pay on the kitchen table. Most days she'd wake up and see the money was gone. 

Her parents were, unfortunately, physically abusive alcoholics. 

The best thing that happened for Mom was meeting Merlon Kranz. Dad was tall, good looking and drove a nice car. As I noted in my eulogy for Dad, it's self-serving for me to refer to Dad as good looking because I am physically mini-Merlon - but I didn't drive a nice car in HS.

On the night of graduation of Mom's graduation Mom was beaten badly and Merlon rescued Joyce by taking her to her best friend Miriam to stay. That my sister is named Miriam is not a coincidence.

A few months later Mom turned 18. That's the age where two people can legally marry without the consent of their parents. On August 11, 1952, Mom and Dad were married. 

It is worth noting that Mom forgave her father - grandad as we called him. He sobered up and I have nothing but fantastic memories of him.

Part II - Mental Illness

Besides growing up poor, Mom's life was not easy as mental illness and depression - to whatever degree there is a biological component to it - runs deep. Her sister and brother committed suicide and, tragically, so did her son - my brother Mark. 

I was standing in line waiting to fly back to the UAE when I saw the news that Robin Williams had taken his life. I screamed NOOOO  - which is not a good thing to do in an airport. I had to explain quickly to everyone around me and the security guard who rushed up to me the news.

In many ways Mom and Robin had a lot in common: Wickedly funny extroverts who found humor in the darkest places.

This eulogy is not meant to be depressing, so trust me, some of her humor is...

Part III: Wickedly Funny

For approximately 30 years Mom worked for Newhall's lawyer - Dave Weichman. Dave was a super well respected man,. After Mom retired, Dave retired. He said, "I'm too old to adjust to a new secretary." 

To lighten things up let me give you some of Mom's better gags.

On their 25th wedding anniversary she made typed out divorce papers glued them to a giant piece of cardboard and had it served to Dad at work. 

For my 21st birthday she took out an advertisement in the school newspaper: "The friends, classmates, and fraternity brothers regret to announce that Steve Kranz's surprise birthday party has been canceled due to lack of interest."

More than once she said, "You should be happy abortion was not legal in 1968 - you might not be here if it was."

Strike that one.

So yes, wickedly funny AND very dark.

Part IV: Systemic Lupus

Mom suffered from systemic lupus, a disease that by cosmic coincidence my mentor also suffered from. It's an auto-immune disease that can attack any part of the part of the body. My mentor suffered through it nobly. After an operation that removed a chunk of bone from his arm to be replaced by a metal rod he commented that he was lucky. "Lucky," I replied incredulously. "No, really, I mean it, if the lupus attacks my brain I'm dead in less than 24 hours.

Mom did not take gracefully. She embraced lupus as her right to say or do anything. At the 2004 Ford family reunion Mom announced to all present, "I have less than a year to live." Sitting across from her I rolled my eyes. When she sat down I said, "So what are you going to tell them when you are here next year?" Spoiler alert: Mom lived another 7 years.

BTW, if you have ever noticed my white spots - that's a sign I also have have an auto-immune disorder... fortunately, knock on wood, only my thyroid has shut down. 

Part V: The Extrovert's Extrovert

Extroverts are people who crave an audience. We extroverts gain energy from those around us. Introverts gain energy from time alone. Mom was the extrovert's extrovert married to the introvert's introvert... 

You know those people who feel compelled to talk to other people in the checkout line? That was Mom. This actually served us well. Mom befriended all of the staff at the local Eagle's grocery store. Once a year the manager would stop Mom as she was about to pay for the week's groceries and say, "It's on us. Now, go to Hy-Vee buy exactly the same products, we will reimburse you." Eagles used Mom as a secret shopper. Whatever Mom found that was significantly cheaper at Eagles would then appear in a TV ad for Eagles. Thanks to Mom's extroversion we received two weeks of groceries for free.

In High School, I encouraged Mom to join the mother's who supported the fine arts - the theater, the madrigal, etc. She did... and Joyce being Joyce... she asked, "Would any of you like to try a salty dog?" The ladies were intrigued so Mom made a huge batch. By introducing alcohol and fun to the group she was instantly popular and elected President the following year.

When I did Dad's eulogy I came to the conclusion that at his core my father was an introverted brilliant mathmetician who didn't get to do what he loved most - math - but was able to OK with himself because he provided a good life for his wife and kids.

I have struggled with how to characterize Mom. Mom was truly troubled and had demons she couldn't share with Dad nor me. At one point Dad and I were at wits end and by Iowa law it takes two adults to say someone needs to be committed for them to be committed for a psych evaluation. Mom realized we had reached that point so she went in voluntarily and as one of the nurses put it, "Joyce could win an Oscar for her performance in here." Mom was released before they could find something to help her.

Mom and Spellman - my mentor - also suffered from systemic lupus. Spellman connected her to the world's leading doctor on the illness at the University of Iowa. Whereas Spellman saw lupus as a disease to be overcome, Mom saw it as a way to get an audience. 

My greatest WTF moment with mom was in 2004 when she announced to the Ford family reunion that she had less than a year to live. Spoiler alert: Mom lived for another 7 years.

Mom's relationship with her sisters - particularly Leona and Ruth is my favorite memories of her. Mom was the older sister who knew she had a built in fan base with her younger siblings.

Mom is/was the extovert's extrovert. She married the introverted mathmetician and at some point had me. I am mini-Joyce.  More than once I asked them how they first dated.

Mom: He drove a nice car.

Dad: I knew immediately I loved her. (He later explained she made him laugh... given how German his background is... it makes sense)

When I moved to the UAE I started writing a blog. Why? Mom very much loved me and wanted to know I was safe. Blogging was my way of letting her know I'm OK. 

In the summer of 2011 Mom insisted all of us kids gather for their 59th wedding anniversary. Mom was doing great physically and emotionally so I challenged her. "Why not wait until the 60th?" I asked. She burst into tears and said do this for ME. "Yes, Mommie Dearest" I replied and she immediately laughed.

As a teenager Mom and watched that classic movie. If either of us went too far she'd same to me, "Don't make me get the wire coat hangers." and I'd say to her, "Yes, Mommie Dearest." 

I have not almost died of shingles as she had by my age... or been diagnosed for lupus as she had been at my age... but my vitaligo is proof enough the auto-immune genes from Mom's side of the family are part of me. 

 Iowa is less than 1% of the population of the United States yet has two universities in top 50. In other words, we punch above our weight.

In politics, Iowa has the privilege of going first. Bottom line? Unless a candidate finishes in the Top 3 in Iowa, their chance of getting their party's nomination is dead. The one notable exception is Joe Biden who came in 5th in 2020.

In 2020 172k Iowa Democrats caucused. Me? I flew home to support Pete Buttigieg. 

On January 15, 2024, we Iowa Democrats can still play a role but this time? This time let's help the Republicans by supporting someone on their side who is sane.

What does that mean?

1. Accept that the 2020 election was fair.

2. Support democracy.

3. Support the rule of law.

In 2016 John Kasich would have been the right candidate for our side to have supported in the caucus. We have yet to see who will be the John Kasich of 2024 but... but the clock is ticking and we Iowa Democrats must pay attention. 

Today is Rahul Kumar's birthday. Rahul is one of the most insightful intelligent person I've met. My favorite moment with him was when I somehow scored higher than him on an International Econ exam. I started doing a victory dance to which his response was:

1. You need to get a life
2. You can't dance.

He was, of course, right on both counts.

As Student Body President at Coe I had the honor(?) of calling #FlunkDay and a budget to produce the Flunk Day newspaper, for which I recruited Denise to edit. She did an amazing job and most #Kohawks credit it as the best one ever produced.

My only request of her was to give me the back page. I had some grievances. And I had some kudos to give.

I won't get into the grievances but for the kudos it was a backhanded attempt of displaying my love for Rahul and my disdain for my alma mater's leadership in how they treated him. 

Rahul Kumar:

1. Steve: Please remember me after you make your first million.
2. President Brown: Please remember Coe after you make your first million.
3. Dean Phifer: Please forget everything I said about history being about white people.

I was out of office but called to President Brown's office after this came out. He was offended. I said, "Is it not factually true?" 

"Yes," he replied, "but you shouldn't have put it in." I rolled my eyes.

Bottom line: Rahul was right; calling out Coe's curriculum in 1991 was the right thing to do. I stand by my friend now and always will. 

Stranger Danger

 Growing up in rural Iowa affords parents a certain level of safety. The reason your children are safe is that the community is close-knit. If someone does something evil it will be remembered FOREVER and the shame that it brings upon the family won't magically disappear. 

When I was 6 my brother Marty - an 11 year old - and I went to the Newhall park while Mom and Dad spent time at Theresa's - Newhall's popular bar at the time. I loved the tornado slide. I could go down that over and over for hours.

On this particular day, the Claypool brothers = a bit older than Marty were there. They not good people. One of the first things they did was pee down the tornado slide. 

Not the Newhall Tornado slide, but an exact replica 

Oscar Wilde wrote, "Everything is about sex... except sex. Sex is about power." 

These older boys then tried to molest Marty and me. I don't think they were gay. I think it was about power. They were older and bigger than us so they wanted to assert their dominance. 

Marty and I escaped and returned to the bar much earlier than Mom & Dad expected. Marty didn't want to tell them what happened. Me? I told them exactly what happened. 

The rage Dad went into is something I will never forget. He tore off in the car to their house, ordered Marty to knock on their door and bring them out. (Mom, knowing Dad as well as she did insisted he stay in the car.) 

So the brothers came out and my father screamed louder than I have ever heard him scream. "If you ever lay a hand on either of my sons again, I will rip your balls off so help me God. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," they replied sheepishly.

*****

I am not a parent, but I understand the need to teach your children about stranger danger. Quite simply, there are a lot of bad people in this world. 

I have no regrets being single but when I think back to the story I just told...Dad was lucky he had Mom. If a six year old Steve had told me he had been molested? I'd have reacted exactly the same way as Dad did and without a Joyce in my life? I might well have ended up in jail that night. 

Oscar Wilde's quote is an interesting debate for another day. For today, Marty & I were lucky we had Dad. Dad was lucky he had Mom. 

And in honor of #PrideMonth, there is zero connection between being gay and being a pedophile. So teach your children to be aware of stranger danger. But don't teach them hate. 

The victim card

Why would anyone ever want to play the victim?

My mentor - Bill Spellman - and my mother -Joyce Kranz - both suffered from systemic Lupus. Ultimately it killed them both. 

Before going on I need to explain my relationship with these two people. I was Mom's favorite. I started this blog when I left America so she could hear from me every day. After she died my interest in keeping the blog alive also died. 

Bill Spellman was a man for whom my relationship with him was beyond friendship/family. I knew well before his death I'd be the one giving his eulogy.

Now, back to the premise.

Spellman and Mom had the same amazing doctor at the University of Iowa. I'd drive 6 hours back from my job in Nebraska to take Mom to her appointments with Strotman. Why? Mom had selective hearing. It was important for me to be in the room to take notes and later explain it to Mom in detail. 

Spellman had it worse than Mom but felt grateful. As I said in his eulogy, "How can you feel grateful?" He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I mean it. So far the lupus is attacking my bones. It could be much worse." 

Mom, on the other hand, saw value in being a victim. My favorite memory of this? The 2004(?) family reunion where Mom told all attendees, "I have less than a year to live." When she sat down I said, "So what are you gonna say next year?" Mom lived another 7 years.

There is no question I am the product of Merlon and Joyce Kranz. I am physically Merlon Kranz. I am psychologically Joyce Kranz... And to be clear, I am also a product of Bill Spellman... My favorite phrase from him? "Fuck you very much." Trust me, I use it a lot. 

The two human beings I was closest to both suffered from systemic lupus. I'd have given my life for either of them without hesitation. One saw it as a speedbump. The other saw it as a way to die as a martyr for a cause. 

Life is weird. 

Crepes

Hi, my name is Steve and I love Nepal. I am an American who also loves visiting Paris. I was shocked a few years back to discover a place in Pokhara that makes better crepes than I've ever had in Paris. My Friench friend Charles was incredulous. There is no way...  

Well, I was happy to take Charles to French Creperie in the heart of the tourist district of Lakeside and when he tried them even he had to admit, "Wow, this is better." If you know anything about the French you know what that was not easy for him to say.

Now I'm more of a savory guy. A gallette is basically a savory crepe. These are also amazing at the French Creperie..

There are so many reasons to love Pokhara. I never thought enjoying crepes and gallettes would be one of them but (shrug) life is weird. 

How do you repay a mentor?

 My mentor, Dr. William Spellman.... when he had his first heart attack the only question I had for his doctor was, "Can I give my heart to save him." I'm not a masochist. My question was not one of vanity for him or me; it was a question I asked because I am economist. The world in 1997 is better if this man lives.

Doc worked hard to teach. (More than I ever have, TBH). When you are incredibly introverted teaching is not easy - as it is for me. Give me a business topic and 5 minutes prep and I can go for as long as you want. It's why I'm on the Hall of Fame wall of my HS. (Extemporaneous speaking attracts nerds... I'm a geek, we are superior.)

We saw each other naked. He saw me shit the bed as I fucked up my early entry into poker - the thing I didn't enjoy but he said, "You have to do this.

As I've said many times, my love for Doc was beyond friendship/beyond family. That, at the age of 27 I'e have given my life for him is a given. 

In a weird way, Doc felt a connection to Dad. I can't say I get it but Life is weird. 

I lost my mentor at the age of 27. Let that sink in. The man I'd have taken a bullet for without a moment's hesitation was taken out of my world at 27. Although Donna gave me permissoin? Doc died knowing I'd give his eulogy. It was Timmy (protoge number 1) or me and I called it first. 

Joyce Anna Ford Kranz

It is easy for me to continue to write.... I can write about Joyce all day. But

The one I want to talk to before I complete her eulogy is Leona. Mom considered her to be her very, very best friend. When Mom died I called Leona to let her know. 

So Judy.... figure out a way Leona and I can Zoom... because I gotra get this eulogy done. 

The youngest of 5 kids, I was Mom's favorite. I say that with no pride. Just as Miriam was Dad's favorite because she was mostl like him psychologically, I was Mom's favorite because I was the most like her psychologically. If you knew Joyce at all you also know that's a double edged sword. Later in life I had a moment with Dad where I said, "Why don't you leave her?" He replied, "This is the life I've signed up for." But this story is not about Dad or me... it's about Joyce Anna Ford Kranz - the most wickedly smart and sassy woman I've met who also had demons that nearly destroyed her family. So buckle up for a eulogy like you have never heard before. 

 In the late 1940's high schools in America gave students the option of going down the vocational route or the academic route. Mom knew she could never afford college so she chose the vocational route. Mom learned shorthand and the ability to type at 100 words per minute without making errors. Back then making errors cost more time than anything because correcting them took a lot of time.

Mom's parents were alcoholics. I have no memory of her mom. My only memory of her is my sister Miriam telling me on the way to her funeral that she felt bad for me because I would never know her. Grandad, on the other hand, I got to know after he had chosen a life of sobriety... and, well, Charles Ford was a hoot. Mom definitely got her sense of humor from him and since I got mine from Mom, Charles Ford lives on with me as he does in Miriam's son Aaron and Kathy's son Greg. 

The reason I have never cared to have children... well there are many reasons. One is the fact that there is a genetic issue in our family. Mom suffered from systemic lupus, a disease that by cosmic coincidence my mentor also suffered from. Doc suffered through it nobly. After an operation that removed a chunk of bone from his arm to be replaced by a metal rod he commented that he was lucky. "Lucky," I replied incredulously. "No, really, I mean it, if the lupus attacks my brain I'm dead in less than 24 hours.

Mom did not take gracefully. She embraced lupus as her right to say or do anything. At the 2004 Ford family reunion Mom announced to all present, "I have less than a year to live." Sitting across from her I rolled my eyes. When she sat down I said, "So what are you going to tell them when you are here next year?" Spoiler alert: Mom lived another 7 years.

If you think I am being overly harsh or critical of Mom then you never met her. She used her secretarial skills to go to work for a lawyer who worked at the back of the bank in Newhall. Dave didn't pay her much but to be honest, she'd have done the job for free.

Mom was the extrovert's extrovert. The woman who engaged people standing in line at the checkout. She was so good at that that Eagles offered to pay for her groceries more than once and challenge us to go to HyVee and buy the same items for a price comparison. 

Mom was lucky enough to have run into Merlon Kranz. Dad was a very good looking guy and drove a great car. They were both teenagers and let's face it, teenagers do stupid things. Dad was the introvert's introvert. The saying opposites attract very much applied to my parents. 

As I was a teenager I convinced Mom to get involved with Benton Community's Fine Arts Promoters (FAP)... in the homophobic 80's I think they could have come up with a better acronym, but I digress. Mom loved this. She not only was popular she became their President during my senior year. Her secret? She introduced alcohol to their meetings. 

I attended every doctor visit I possibly could with Mom. She was notorious for hearing what she wanted to hear as opposed to what the doctor actually said so in a way I was her secretary. One time Mom was having a stent put in a vein close to her haeart. There was one other family there with a procedure being done to their father. All of a sudden we hear, "Code blue" and a nurse with a cart goes rushing past us. The family looked at me, I looked at them and Dad remained blissfully unaware doing the NYT crossword puzzle.  When the other family's doctor came out to say everything was fine they jumped for joy but muted their joy as they looked back at me - the code blue was for Mom.

Because it was gonna be quite some time before they could see their dad they stuck around. By the time Mom's doctor emerged to explain that, yes, Mom's heart had stopped but she's going to be fine that family hugged and embraced me. Dad then was like, "What was that all about." 

For my 21st birthday, Mom took out an advertisement in the Coe Cosmos - the student newspaper of my university. The advert read, "The friends, fraternity brothers and classmoates of Steve Kranz regret to announce that his surprise 21st birthday party has been canceled due to lack of interest." 

Imagine going to your classes and most of your professors have cut that out and put it on their door. Mom knew I was gonna run for Student Body President and this would not help me in any way but to her it was funny. 

I think people often have a sense that their time on this planet is about to end. I know my mentor did. I konw Dad did as I talked with him just hours before... and I guess Mom did. She insisted we all gather for their 59th wedding anniversary.  I was like, Why not wait for 60? "I won't be here" she replied. At first I was a dick, "Mom, do I need to remind you of your family reunion announcement?" She began to cry and I realized this was different. 

We all gathered for a dinner at the Ox Yoke in the Amana Colonies - Mom and Dad's favorite restaurant. The Amana colonies is the right place for my family to meet because it combines good food with good beer. Can you be more German than that?

The best thing I ever did for my parents was to move to the UAE. They took Gus who was their emotional support dog and to make Mom OK with what I was doing I started this blog. That she could read from me every day gave her the reassurance that I'm OK. 

For the conclusion of Spellman and Dad's eulogy I said, "The best thing you can say about a man is that  the world is a better place because he was here."

For Mom I will change it a bit. The woman who delivered divorce papers as a prank for their 25th wedding anniversary has left all Ford/Kranz offspring with a legacy of humor that we shall always try match.

 Dad died in 2014. In 2023 I am giving his eulogy.

It took me 9 years to be able to do it... sorry dad.

Dad was in the audience as I gave the eulogy for Spellman. 11 years later I am in a car with dad and had to explain that my connection to Doc was beyond friendship/family. 

My father was a great man. That it took me 9 years after his death to do his eulogy is shame on me. 

Merlon George Kranz.... As told by his son Steven Merlon Kranz 

https://youtu.be/7B2NXFtM_YA

Uncomfortable

While walking Cujo I came across an Indian brother and sister. He was married and there with his wife. The sister was there with her bestie who has some connection to Beyonce that I never quite understood and that's OK. It's also safe to say they all had consumed more than their fair share of something that had altered their rational/cognitive abilities. Not being vague on this; most likely they were drunk but there was no slurring of the words. If anything I'd say they were drunk the way I am drunk, way too touchy feeling and I love you man vibe.

Anyhow, they were all in love with Cujo in a way that creeped Cujo out. Sahdra (the single sister) wanted Cujo to follow her on Instragram. I made it clear Cujo doesn't follow anyone. She asked multiple times. I created a personal hotspot so she could follow me on FB. I am quite certain tonight is not the only time I will be hearing from her.

I have never been comfortable when someone throws themselves at me. From the time I was teaching at #UofIowa and a student put his hand on my knee and said, "I will do anything for an A" to the time I was at a #SigmaNu fraternity conference in Chicago when a woman got on the elevator with me, grabbed my package and said, "Today is my 30th birthday and I'm buying." I simply do know how to respond. 

None of these events are assault in my book because I never had concern for my safety. It's not like being a petite woman pushed up against the wall because the alpha male thinks it's ok for stars like to grab women by the pussy.

In this case the woman's interest in me in peaked when she found out I was single with no kids. She pretty much offered herself on the spot. Awkward...

To the brother who was talking about their relatives in the US I tried my best to explain, "That's your best path to citizenship. Google chain migration. 

And because the Beyonce woman simply wanted to visit I explained that I have helped dozens of friends over the years get the tourist visa to America... My favorite was my Moroccan friend #Youssef who kept saying tourist in a way that sounded exactly like terrorist. I told him just say #VisitVisa.

The US has two requirements to get a #TouristVisa:

1. Convince them you are not a terrorist

3. Convince them you'll you will go back from where you came.

A single woman/man? Yeah, you're not getting the visa. It sucks, but those are the rules. 

30 years ago my #CoeCollege friend was facing deportation and asked if I would be willing to marry her. I said yes without hesitation. She was/is a good friend. If her desire is to stay in the US I'm simply happy to help. Beth is getting married in a few weeks and I doubt I can make it but I've told her, "If I can, I will." 

I know #LifeIsWeird and we can't know what is coming next... but #ThereByThyGraceOfGodGoI that I didn't die at the age of 23 from drug addiction like my brother Mark. 

Not happy the character here is named Steve but this is worth a watch:
https://youtu.be/1_TPWn9dJmA

In an ideal world a eulogy is performed by someone who knows the deceased well. My Mom's boss - a great man... a World War II war hero had nobody to give his eulogy so the minister who performed it misprounced his name. I was furious and Mom had to hold me back from grabbing the microphone from him to give the eulogy myself. 

That said, what you choose to leave in as important as what you leave out. In the eulogy I have for dad that you are about to hear I left out some important points:

Nobody in Eastern Iowa donated more blood than Dad. When Dad learned he give more often if he donated plasma, he switched to donating plasma.

Dad ran a farm while working a full time job as a saw operator at Link-Belt Speeder. One of his former colleagues said of Dad, "If everyone had Merlon's work ethic there is no way they would have shut down the plant in Cedar Rapids.

Dad gardened more than anyone I've met. At one point he was growing 90 tomato plants, growing nearly an acre of sweet corn and, of course, perfecting his beloved popcorn that we named, Dad's Popcorn.

I so loved that side of Dad that I had early childhood ambition to grow up to be a horticulturalist. Unfortunately, I am Mom. The woman married to a farmer with a very brown thumb... she killed plants faster than anyone you've ever met. The child who would pick up that mantle from Dad was my sister Kathy - who now has the distinction of being a master gardener.

Now... as they say... on with the show. 

My name is Steven Merlon Kranz, son of Merlon George Kranz. As Dad has his father's name as his middle name, I have the honor of being the son to have his name as my middle name. 

Dad was the simplest yet most complicated man I've ever met. Let's start with the simple. 

Merlon was born on May 30, 1934. It was at the height of the Great Depression and his parents were in the process of declaring bankruptcy losing their share in the Newhall Bank and the feed store they were running.

It may be self-serving for me to say this, but Dad was a good looking guy. Self-serving because to see me is to see my Dad. When it comes to looks there is no need for a DNA test; I am my father's son.

Dad was insanely smart. In junior high he taught me square root. What's square root? 3 is the square root of 9. 3*3 = 9. He also tried to teach me tri-root... Dad was one of the few people on this planet who could calculate that... sorry Dad that was one I never quite understood.

Whatever stereotypes you have of cold, standoff Germans? That was Dad. Growing up he spanked me once. I don't what I did but I'm sure I deserved it. And I can count on my fingers the number of times we ever hugged.

I was not only not his favorite child (that was Miriam) I was not his favorite son (that was Marty). 

The best thing that happened for Dad and me was a roadtrip to NYC for my niece's wedding. Dad and I both love to drive so the trip itself was no big deal. Send Mom and her sister on the plane and we'll drive it.

What made the trip special for me? We had a come to Jesus discussion. I was able to unload all of the reasons I thought he was less than a great Dad while I was growing up and he let me know how I was less than a great son. We were both right.

Now to the complicated(?) or perhaps simple.

Dad was of the era where a father's role was to be the provider. Make sure his wife and children always have a roof over their head and food on the table. So long as you do that you are a good father. 

My secret sauce... my gift? The ability to tell stories. It's what makes a great teacher. Although Dad and I were not close until I was 40, I did love to make him laugh and I know for a fact I am the only one to make him laugh so hard he fell out of his chair. I'd repeat the joke here but it was definitely a "You had to be there" joke. 

Let's complicate things a bit more. Dad was extremely close to his brother Wilbert who tragically died from an accident where he was sprayed by gasoline and a spark from an arc welder set him on fire. To say that weighed on Dad is an understatement. Not a day went by that he had Wilbert on his mind. Shortly after Wilbert's death my parents had a son and named him Mark Wilbert Kranz. Steven Merlon could wait. 

Mark was not the ideal son. He was not the heir to the farm Dad had hoped him to be and he gave into his addictions. Shortly before graduating HS Mark dropped out. He later got his GED and appeared to be on a good track. Then his world came crashing down on him and on his 23rd birthday Mark killed himself.

Remember when I said Dad was a cold German? That night was a night where we not only hugged, he wouldn't let go of me.

We all grieve in our own ways. Dad never got over the deaths of Wilbert, Mark, and Mom. 

He knew he loved them and the love was mutual. He simply didn't know how to process it. He never understood the squabbling among his kids. Dad had the "he's not heavy; he's my brother" burned into his psyche so my fights with Marty were something Dad would never understand. "At the end of the day always remember he's your brother." 

"Yes, Dad" I'd reply as I gave him an eyeroll big enough that he laughed. 

Dad's mission in life: Provide for his wife and children was a mission accomplished. He didn't have the skills to understand the touchy feely side of life. He was an introverted mathematician. How Mom and him ever hooked up is that Dad was a good looking teenager and drove a nice car. What did I drive as a teenager? A Chevy Citation. I joked, "You guys really don't want me to get laid."

In 1997 I had the honor of giving the eulogy for my mentor Bill Spellman. I stood in front of 800 people and trust me on this, there wasn't a dry in the auditorium by the time I was done. Dad turned to a friend, "I wish he could say this about me." On the trip to NYC I was able to explain that my relationship with Doc was beyond friendship and family. "It's not a competition Dad," I tried to assure him. 

If you know me, know that psychologically I am 90% Joyce Kranz. I was her favorite. Working for a lawyer she penned a new will almost every year. In the mid-2000's she created one that left everything to me. I was like, "Please don't die before you can redo this one... I do not want the burden." Dad never got himself involved on these things. Mom and I loved to argue; Dad not so much.

Mom and Dad eloped on her 18th birthday. It was the first day they could legally marry without permission from the parents. Dad removed Mom from an abusive home and never looked back. 

At the end of my eulogy for Doc I was able to look at the auditorium and say, "The best thing you can say about a man after his death is that the world is a better place for him having been here."

Although I am saying this to a camera, the sentiment is the same. The world is a better place because Merlon Kranz was here. He was, ultimately, a great man and a good father. 

How I met Prince Andrew

Yahya my now adopted son  - he has awesome parents but I had to claim him as my adopted son because we had falling out for which I said, "If you think of me as your father this will never happen again."

In late 2016 Yahya came to me with an incredible idea. Here I am the spokesman for #dwak

SteveXplains dwak

What makes me good at teaching? I am a great storyteller. Every concept I teach I can tie to a real-life situation. My mentor marveled at my ability to do this. Spellman was like, "Tell me again which example you used on ____" And I was like, dude, the only way I learn is if I can relate a concept to real life. #ISLM is the hardest concept for anyone in the world of #Econ to get and I got after you pounded it in my head 15 times. No offense to Doc or any other Econ prof out there... it's not that hard when you use real life examples...

...Which is something I learned during #covidworld. My teaching assistant Omar was taking a class from a guy that is so bad at teaching I made a video parodying him. 

Anyhow, #Covidboy (as I like to call him... I had to go into quarantine because of him) reminded me how much I love to teach Econ...

Oh, wait, this has nothing to do with Prince Andrew... back to the original script

Yahya had an incredible idea and I was more than on board. Let's light this candle and see where it goes.

Well, it went to #AlAinPharmacy where they signed on to to be a partner. It went to us hearing about an event in #SiliconValley that I was so sure we were going to go to that I paid $800 for a sleeper car on #Amtrak to go from from Mt. Pleasant to San Francisco. 

But #LifeIsWeird and the rug was pulled out from under our feet literally days before we were supposed to leave. 

Yahya was like, "Well, we can still do #PitchAtPalace"

Oh, fuck yes was my response. 

There was a requirement for Pitch at Palace that an #Emirati give the pitch. I knew exactly the man for that job - my #EmiratiBrother Mansour. To say I love the man is an understatement... I asked him to draw up the paperwork that whatever assets I have in the UAE are turned over to him (because I know he won't care about my assets... he will make sure Miriam has them... hope that makes sense) His first question for me? Are you sure you want a Black Ford Explorer?

The man I am entrusting my possessions in this country is only concerned that I my Explorer is the wrong color.... my love for him is such that I laughed hard. 

Mansour is a natural salesman. When he was in HS he managed his family's cafe in Al Ain. That business failed but Mansour took the lessons he learned from that to create a very successful cafe called #LePre. 

When we were walking the streets of London before our pitch Mansour commented that he earned a C+ in his first class with me - Fundamentals of Management. I replied, "I have no memory of you from that class. It wasn't until you had Supply Chain with me that you came onto my radar and I am pretty sure you earned an A for every class after that." If you want more on that you can watch my interview with Mansour here. 

So Mansour and are the spokesmen for dwak. We are both really good at engaging people and making them care. I love writing so knowing what pitch would work for me is easy. Trying to figure out how put our story in a way that works for Mansour was a challenge. That Mansour rose to that challenge and hit it out of the ballpark is a testament to how great he is.

When Mansour presented in Abu Dhabi he was not on his A game. When he came back and sat next to me he said, "We're going to London."  I thought he was being a bit arrogant/presumptuous. He continued, "The rule is that the team that goes is who has the most votes in the room. Trust me, this room is filled with my colleagues. We are going to London."

I have to say, I do not like Prince Andrew. When very bad press came out about him I was not at all surprised. Having been in a fraternity and spent time around guys like Andrew I know them and can spot them a mile away. My sister Miriam is also a good read on people. I told her before the competition, "There is one competitor who is a total piece of shit I wanna know if you can pick him out." She did. As an Occupational Therapist she saw lots of people exploit the illness of a relative to make a buck and that's what this guy was doing.

It was a wild ride and I have zero regrets. The son of Merlon and Joyce Kranz found himself inside Buckingham Palace. 

My only regret? That dwak never came to be. Six years later there is still nothing out there that offers what we were going for. 

 I am Steven Merlon Kranz for a reason. My parents Joyce nnd Merlon Kranz decided they liked they liked the name and then had four other children. By the tine Mom got pregnant with me abortion wasn't legal, Mom liked to smoke and drink and sonehow the pregrancy tests came back negative. 

To say I'm an accident is understatement. Mom literally said to me, "If abortion was legal you wouldn't be here, kid."

Reminder, I was her favorite. 

In the Arab world having your father's name as your middle name is the highest form of respect. To an Arab I am not Steve Kranz I am Steven Merlon. I get that and respect that... but I didn't respect my Dad until our trip to my niece's wedding. 

The moment when two men can clear the air and basically say "Fuck you" to each other it's an awesome moment... and I almost broke down on that trip because of complicated relationship with Dad.... and then I remembered Sunny's relationship with his father. (They are both str8... easier)

Anyhow, I am really good at what I do... Sunny is the man I wish I had the courage to have come out to earlier. 

 My German friend Lukas sent me this:

And he wanted my opinion. First thought?  Nothing in this chart surprises except how low the Nepali and Bangladeshi Americans are... Trust me as someone who is really close to people from both countries... they are the hardest working people I've ever met. So when they do this survey again in 10 years? They will have moved up.

Who will not have moved up? My fellow white Americans. Donald Trump was elected President because white Americans have this incredible sense of entitlement and the others are out to get us. With that mindset their is no hope for my fellow anglo-saxon, white, cis-gender guys like me... so I guess I should get my shotgun and shoot up Bud Light because they had the audacity to have a transgender promote their product. 

Or I have to be an adult and recognize that this experiment of democracy that we call America requires us to accept that we are not all the same. America is not a melting pot, it's a stew. When my fellow Americans get that? We are all better off. 

Deadbeat Dads

 This is the 137th attempt to piece together a eulogy for my father... so your patience is appreciated.

To say Dad was of a different era is an understatement. When Mom died her closest sister Leona quipped, "Joyce married up. If only the rest of us were so lucky." 

To say Dad was a man of integrity is an understatement. There is a reason why distant relatives who I never met named him the executor of their wills. They knew (correctly) that Merlon Kranz would not only do what they wanted to the letter of the law but also to the intent they meant it to be. 

Do I need to mention that Mom worked for a lawyer and for their 25th wedding anniversary she had Dad served with divorce papers very, very publicly at #FMC #LinkBelt. Needless to say, I was Mom's favorite because I helped her do it, but I digress...

Dad saw his only role in life as providing for his wife and kids. To that end he was successful. There was never a day that I worried about a rough over my head or my next meal. Dad saw masculinity as being the provider - not in a way that took away anything from women because, trust me on this, his favorite child was his second child, his daughter Miriam. Miriam has the same sensibilities as Dad so of course she was the favorite. The rest of us were hotheads because we took way too much from Mom... but again, I digress.

When I gave the eulogy for Doc, Dad turned to Ann and said, "I wish he could say the same for me.

The words he was talking about were the last words of the eulogy, "I have always believed the best thing you can say about a man is that the world is a better place for his having been here. As I look around this room I can see how much better Coe and this world was because of Bill Spellman. Each of us has had time to think about the positive impact he had on our lives. By helping us to be better people the spirit of William Spellman lives on,"

There wasn't a dry eye in the room because I'm really good at what I do, but again, I digress.

The world needs more men like Merlon Kranz. I am Steven Merlon Kranz. In the Arab world taking your father's name as your middle name is the highest form of respect you can give. Trust me, I wasn't not only the favorite child, I wasn't the favorite son.  Again, I digress.

So let me cut to the chase... I'd say make a long story short but it's way too late for that at this point.

There is a total POS deadbeat Dad living in Virginia. He got a woman pregnant here in the UAE, isgned the birth certificate so he claim her as a dependent forever and then scooted back to the US where he has been claiming that child on his tax returns ever since and has rarely sent any money to his child.

Her best friend had the same thing with Emirati guy to which Mansour was like, "Give me his name, I will make him pay." 

The best part of Ramadan this year? Spending some time with Mansour's sons. They are lucky boys because they have a good man for a father.

Grudges

 I was very happy for Youssef participating in the Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed Scholarship Program (SMSP). He had amazing teachers and was able to later get a Master's in HR from NYU. 

One of his teachers in the program was the venerable #BobShrum. In Bob's long storied career he helped shepard Democratic candidates to victories for decades. The problem? On his biggest campaign - the 2004 race for President - he fucked up and the cost to the world cannot be understated.

The fact the #JohnKerry campaign allowed an ad like this to go unchallenged is beyond political malpractice... it was political suicide. 

The 2004 race was very winnable for our side. We had the war hero candidate to contrast against the guy who avoided Vietnam by going into the Air National Guard. So how the fuck did our side allow this swift boat ad to go unchecked?

On election day 2004 the early exit polls looked good. Bob actually told John Kerry, "Congratulations, Mr. President-elect." Ooops. 

I should have grace. Bob did great things in his career but when I had a chance to actually talk to him I couldn't because I wanted to punch him. 

Beyond friendship

 To say I loved Doc is an an understatement. When he had his first hear attack I went to his cardiologist and offered to give my heart for him. My love for him was absolute.

It was also my downfall. I invested too much time, energy, money into him. I have to give him credit, he told it to me.... but Doc was also a dick so?

We can pick our mentors but we can't pick our mentees. In all of my time in higher education I've looked for the Steve to Doc as I was to him. I am good... really good at what I do but to hold out hope for a me to Doc is weird dream to have. It won't happen for a dozen reasons... but, I've made fantastic friends since I moved to the UAE so perhaps my world is not a bad place. 

Minting warriors

Few sectors of the economy have shown less innovation than higher education. Most universities work on the same model that was being run well over a hundred years ago. Meanwhile the cost of attending college has grown faster than costs in another sector of the economy. Quite simply, higher ed has a chin made of glass and somebody has to give it a punch.

Now, everything I said is not originally from me. It's from my wanna be cult leader Professor Scott Galloway at NYU's Stern School of business. 

Professor Galloway believes the goal every university should have is to mint warriors. It's great to offer safe spaces and protections to anyone up until the time they go to college. When I went back to teach at my alma mater Coe College they wanted me to put a pink triangle on my door and I refused. Not because I do not support the LGTB community because of course I do. I refused because I do not see college as a safe space. College is the place where you need to have your beliefs challenged. Where you have your best friend Paul argue philosophy but can't get me as a died in the wool left of center guy to buy in. 

College is the place where you should enter as a sheep and leave as a lion ready to take on the world. We in higher education are doing our students no favors by coddling them. 

Are all gifts bribes?

Many years ago I was teaching a supply chain course. On the first day the guys (and this was an male class) had had me before in the Fundamentals of Management course. They knew me, they knew my expectations and they were horrible. I got through what I had to get through and then slammed my computer shut and said, "You are not aware, but today is my birthday and you ruined my fricking birthday. I hope you come back on Thursday ready to learn."

The next day, the biggest pain in the ass student came to my office and apologized and sheepishly left a Louis Vuitton gift bag on my desk. 

Inside? A Dh 2300 pair of sunglasses. He was long gone before I saw what he had left me.

I shreaked. My friend Jamie next door heard me so he rushed over. He was like, "Wow, I guess I need to learn to guilt trip my students better." 

For all things Emirati I turn brother Mansour. 

Steve: I can't keep this. If he bought me a cup of coffee that's one thing...

Mansour interrupted me. 

Mansour: You have to accept it. He will never ask anything of you. In our culture this is his way of apologizing. 

I followed Mansour's advice and promptly lost or had the sunglasses stolen shortly after. There is a reason I don't buy expensive sunglasses. 

I did make a note about who gave me the sunglasses in my grading excel sheet but I buried it. After I submitted grades I checked it. The student earned a C- in the class. I'll admit I had a temptation to raise the grade but I didn't.  

Professor Sanford

If I were Catholic this post would begin with, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned." Fortunately, I was raised in Missouri Synod Lutheran (so right wing the Catholics are liberal heretics) so I gave up religion decades ago. 

 In January 1990 I was:

•  Running for Student Body President
• Taking an incredibly easy J-Term class from Dean of Students Brian Austin*
• Working 20 hours per week selling electronics at Montgomery Wards
• Shadow taking a course from Professor Sanford because I thought it was interesting

I wish I had that guy's energy now, but I digress...

My friend Scott was taking Professor Sanford's class and my enjoyment every night was devouring the material from the class. The final assignment for the class was a paper that I was all too eager to write. My mistake? I didn't write it at Scott's level. 

When Professor Sanford handed back the papers he gave it to Scott with something like, "This is one of the best papers I've ever read from a student I know didn't write it." 

Scott got an A- in the class. Had I written at his level he probably would have had an A. My bad.

So this post is my confession: I helped a student cheat. There was no bad intentions. I honestly wished I had taken the class instead of Austin's lame Leadership class. 

*My A in the Leadership class was guaranteed before I walked in the door. The Dean of Students was a lousy Dean but he also knew I was going to be Student Body President and I wanted him fired. He asked me to be his TA for the class, which I happily said yes, because again, you can't give your TA anything less than A. I got my A and got him fired. Win-win. 

PS - the reason I loved Professor Sanford even though I never had a class with him: As a student government geek I served on at least one committee with him... Admissions? Academic Policies?... on that I can't remember... but Professor Sanford was one of the few faculty members who gave a shit what I thought. When he endorsed Bruce Babbit in the 1988 Presidential race I came to that ceremony because I really liked Babbit (but I was already on team Dukakis) and because I respected Professor Sanford. 

As a Professor I have read dozens (hundreds?) of papers I know the student didn't write. In one class of Strategic Management I had two projects that were over the top MBA level good. I called the students in and said, "You have the A so long as you tell me who wrote this and where did you get it from?"  What shocked me was that both groups outsourced to Indians working in a book store in Al Ain. What they paid was just over $100. My reaction? You have to give them a $50 tip and tell them not to do such a good job next time. Both groups assured me they would and by Emirati culture I am sure they did. 

 I've been working on writing eulogies for my parents because, Pastor Rempfer gave horrible eulogies for both and, well, I'm the writer child so I need to give it a go. This is the first draft of what I want to say for Mom:

Oh, where to begin…

There is a saying that parents stop having kids when they reach perfection. As the fifth and final child of Joyce and Merlon Kranz I’d like to think that was true… but my Mom wanted me to know that had abortion been legal in 1968 I probably wouldn’t be here.

If that joke seems harsh, buckle up butterbup.

Mom worked for a lawyer so for her 25^th wedding anniversary she served Dad with divorce papers… very publicly in front of all of his coworkers.

For my 21^st birthday she took out an advertisement in the college newspaper, “The friends, classmates, and fraternity brothers regret to announce that Steve’s 21^st surprise birthday party has been canceled due to lack of interest.”

Basically, if you know me? You know Joyce.

Now let’s get serious for a moment. Mom grew up dirt poor with alcoholic parents. As a teenager she’d babysit and by the rules of her parents she had to leave the money she was paid on the kitchen table when she got home. Rarely did she get to use it for herself.

Mom did catch a lucky break when she met a tall good looking man named Merlon. While I am 90% of Joyce in personality, I am clone of my father so calling him good looking is self-serving and I’m OK with that.

Mom and Dad eloped on Mom’s 18^th birthday – literally the first day they could get married without parental permission.

Like me, Mom was the extrovert’s extrovert. She worked for a lawyer in the back of the bank by day and bartended on weekends not because we needed the money… mom needed the people.

All parents want a better life for their kids… with Mom it was “I want a better life for you but I also want to keep it real so anytime you think you’re hot stuff I’m gonna take you down a few notches.”

Mom insisted us kids come to the Amana Colonies to celebrate their 59^th wedding anniversary. I was like, “Why? Why not do something big next year?” Mom said, “I won’t be here next year.”  This is the same woman who announced at a family reunion in 2004 that she had less than a year to live. Spoiler alert, she lived 7 more years. After she made that announcement I asked her, “What are you going to say when you’re back here next year?” I was not her favorite child that day.

Anyhow, we all gathered for the 59^th wedding anniversary. Les than 2 weeks later she was hospitalized and Dad and I spent the day with her… My sister Miriam asked, “Do I need to come down?” To which I was like, “Nah, she’s gonna be OK.” The next morning I woke up to a phone call from Dad, “Joyce is dead.”

I am a lucky man. I got my father’s good looks and my mother’s irascible personality. On their 55^th wedding anniversary I was conducting a wedding… I’ve reverend Steve in case you didn’t know…  asked them “What are the keys to a successful marriage?” Dad said, “Have lots of outdoor projects.” Mom said, “Have a good sense of humor.”

Dad’s job was easy, we lived on a farm so there was no shortage of outdoor projects. And for Mom, she kept her sense of humor to the end… literally cracking jokes with the hospital staff less than 24 hours before she died.

Is the world a better place because Joyce Kranz was on this planet? Absolutely… because if it weren’t for her you’d have never met me.

 

Short your employer?

My friend Mike was an early employee at #McLeodUSA. At one point he had stock options worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. He participated in the company's stock purchase program so in addition to the shares he received as an employee, he was using his personal funds to buy more. At its peak McLeodUSA was valued over $20 billion and most employees felt like Mike #DrankTheKoolAid that #ClarkMcLeod was serving them.

Unfortunately for Mike, the #telecom boom of the 1990's became a casualty of the #dotcom bubble bursting in 2000. Very quickly share prices fell and very few employees sold in time to make their stock options worth anything and eventually the company filed for #bankruptcy and most employees, including Mike, lost their jobs. 

Mike went on to for #YellowBook. I will spare you the details. Ask a 20 year old what a phone book is... My reason for writing this... What if Mike had chosen to hedge his bets and shorted the company he was working for? If McLeodUSA went to the moon Mike is rich on his stock options. If McLeodUSA goes belly up he gets rich because he was smart enough to short it. 

I'm not sure if shorting your employer is a good strategy but I am equally not sure if it is not a bad strategy. 

#StockOptions #Employer 

What's in a kiss?

I am not into kissing. I was raised in a cold German family. We didn't hug, let alone kiss. My first girlfriend loved kissing and to me it was like an obligation to make her happy... 100% certain I sucked as a kisser and have no idea why she stayed with me.

Well into adulthood I have discussed the fact I am not into kissing... doesn't rock my boat... doesn't make me see stars... doesn't do anything that those who love kissing say it does for them. Sucks for me, I guess.

But honestly I am ok with not kissing. I went to therapy for awhile and the therapist basically told me that my lack of desire to kiss is me having intimacy issues and I'll never be happy so long as I am not comfortable kissing. He may have been right but paying him $150/hour to tell me something I already kinda knew didn't seem like a good investment so I stopped going.

Over the years I have had countless female friends hear me say this and said to me, "You simply weren't kissing the right woman... Let me make out with you..." Umm, no. (For the record, countless is an exaggeration but more than a dozen is not an exaggeration.) 

It's the conversation with men on this topic I find more interesting. I have Str8 male friends who have said they are with me... solidarity brother... "I make out long enough that my partner is willing to have sex" is their mantra. 

One time I'm with a married male friend... it's just the two of us... he poured his heart out to me about his doubts in his marriage, how he is scared about becoming a dad, etc. Since he made himself emotionally vulnerable I felt the need to reciprocate. Unfortunately for me I am the extrovert's extrovert. I have no secrets. If you are a tech geek I am what is known as WYSIWIG (What you see is what you get)... so I told him about my issues with kissing. A few drinks later I get up for the bathroom and he literally jumps me, pushes me against the wall and starts kissing me. Passionately.

What's going through my mind:

1. Really? Gaydar never went off on you. I am surprised.
2. You are married and have a child on the way. What would your wife think if she walked in now?
3. Yeah, like I said, kissing does nothing for me... so you forcing yourself on me is not changing my mind on this topic.

The events in the story above are about a guy who is still married, their daughter (who was an embryo during the events I am describing) is now a college graduate. Life is weird.

Fast forward to just a few years ago... and it was pretty much a repeat situation. A very close Str8 male friend felt the need to stick his tongue down my throat to convince me that kissing is awesome. 

My thoughts after round 2?

1. I am not, never was, never will be offended. Some would label what they did as assault. It wasn't... it was a drunk/high friend trying to let me know what I was missing out on.
2. I never once was worried for my personal safety... I was not stoned and not really even drunk... if I needed to fight them off I was not worried.
3. If I am 100% honest I'd have to admit I was flattered. Never in a million years would I have expected this from either of them... so I guess that is somehow a win for Steve? (Really not sure about that)
4. It has made me rethink date rape and all I can think about is the awesome Oscar Wilde quote, "Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power." The thing I talk to my Str8 male friends about, "Have you ever worried about being over-powered and forced to have sex against your will?" The answer is always an incredulous, "Of course not." 

My response? "Well, most women have had that worry so consider yourself lucky." 

*****

Today I watched a movie (recommended to me a decade ago)... It's not a great movie so I won't recommend it.. you can pick it up at 1 hour and 3 minute mark. All you need to know is that the protagonist (the guy with dark hair) is a Str8 hustler willing to have sex with any man so long as the money is right. Then he meets a guy who simply wants to kiss him... and that's how the rest of the movie plays out... and for me... with my background... made the movie fascinating. 

 Autobiographies/memoirs are my genre of choice. It started a young age. I was fascinated by #RosalynCarter so I was excited to read her book #FirstLadyFromPlains. #JessicaSavitch was my favorite #TVNews #Anchor so I devoured #Anchorwoman the day it came out. (Tragically, she died very after... before her groundbreaking book had time to make an impact.) 

#LeeIacocca's memoir became one of the best selling business books of all time and heavily influenced my way of thinking about the connection between #business and #society...

#KatieCouric's #GoingThere was one of the best of all time because she had a front row seat to #MeToo movement and she holds no punches back when it comes to talking about #JeffZucker, #MattLauer, #TheTodayShow, #CBSNews, #Yahoo, #MarissaMeyer, #colonoscopies, etc. In other words, "Going there" may be the best titled book of all time.

All that brings me #PrinceHarry's new memoir #Spare. To say he lays it all out there? Umm, yeah. I doubt anyone needed to know he had frostbite on his "todger."
👆 Where the Brits come up with some of their nicknames is something I will never understand

I'm not quite half-way through it... so I reserve the right to change my opinion... but so far his utter takedown of the #Tabloids and #TheHouseOfWindsor is absolutely riveting. If you buy based on my recommendation be sure to get the #audiobook because Prince Harry is a great narrator.