Prologue
We all need a person in our lives who believe in us more than we believe in ourselves. For me? It was Mom. I was the youngest of her five children and I was her favorite. None of my siblings will argue on that. At the age of 40, Dad said, "I'm happy you were there for her. You handled the side of her I couldn't." Dad's comment will make sense when you hear the rest of the story.
Part I - the early years
Mom grew up dirt poor. Her parents were raging alcoholics. Her mother died when I was very young. My only memory of her funeral was my sister Miriam saying, "It's too bad you'll never know her."
Mom was born on August 11, 1934. She was the second oldest of a family with 5 girls and one boy.
Because they were poor Mom took baby siting jobs as young as she possibly could. The rule: When she returned home she had to leave her pay on the kitchen table. Most days she'd wake up and see the money was gone.
Her parents were, unfortunately, physically abusive alcoholics.
The best thing that happened for Mom was meeting Merlon Kranz. Dad was tall, good looking and drove a nice car. As I noted in my eulogy for Dad, it's self-serving for me to refer to Dad as good looking because I am physically mini-Merlon - but I didn't drive a nice car in HS.
On the night of graduation of Mom's graduation Mom was beaten badly and Merlon rescued Joyce by taking her to her best friend Miriam to stay. That my sister is named Miriam is not a coincidence.
A few months later Mom turned 18. That's the age where two people can legally marry without the consent of their parents. On August 11, 1952, Mom and Dad were married.
It is worth noting that Mom forgave her father - grandad as we called him. He sobered up and I have nothing but fantastic memories of him.
Part II - Mental Illness
Besides growing up poor, Mom's life was not easy as mental illness and depression - to whatever degree there is a biological component to it - runs deep. Her sister and brother committed suicide and, tragically, so did her son - my brother Mark.
I was standing in line waiting to fly back to the UAE when I saw the news that Robin Williams had taken his life. I screamed NOOOO - which is not a good thing to do in an airport. I had to explain quickly to everyone around me and the security guard who rushed up to me the news.
In many ways Mom and Robin had a lot in common: Wickedly funny extroverts who found humor in the darkest places.
This eulogy is not meant to be depressing, so trust me, some of her humor is...
Part III: Wickedly Funny
For approximately 30 years Mom worked for Newhall's lawyer - Dave Weichman. Dave was a super well respected man,. After Mom retired, Dave retired. He said, "I'm too old to adjust to a new secretary."
To lighten things up let me give you some of Mom's better gags.
On their 25th wedding anniversary she made typed out divorce papers glued them to a giant piece of cardboard and had it served to Dad at work.
For my 21st birthday she took out an advertisement in the school newspaper: "The friends, classmates, and fraternity brothers regret to announce that Steve Kranz's surprise birthday party has been canceled due to lack of interest."
More than once she said, "You should be happy abortion was not legal in 1968 - you might not be here if it was."
Strike that one.
So yes, wickedly funny AND very dark.
Part IV: Systemic Lupus
Mom suffered from systemic lupus, a disease that by cosmic coincidence my mentor also suffered from. It's an auto-immune disease that can attack any part of the part of the body. My mentor suffered through it nobly. After an operation that removed a chunk of bone from his arm to be replaced by a metal rod he commented that he was lucky. "Lucky," I replied incredulously. "No, really, I mean it, if the lupus attacks my brain I'm dead in less than 24 hours.
Mom did not take gracefully. She embraced lupus as her right to say or do anything. At the 2004 Ford family reunion Mom announced to all present, "I have less than a year to live." Sitting across from her I rolled my eyes. When she sat down I said, "So what are you going to tell them when you are here next year?" Spoiler alert: Mom lived another 7 years.
BTW, if you have ever noticed my white spots - that's a sign I also have have an auto-immune disorder... fortunately, knock on wood, only my thyroid has shut down.
Part V: The Extrovert's Extrovert
Extroverts are people who crave an audience. We extroverts gain energy from those around us. Introverts gain energy from time alone. Mom was the extrovert's extrovert married to the introvert's introvert...
You know those people who feel compelled to talk to other people in the checkout line? That was Mom. This actually served us well. Mom befriended all of the staff at the local Eagle's grocery store. Once a year the manager would stop Mom as she was about to pay for the week's groceries and say, "It's on us. Now, go to Hy-Vee buy exactly the same products, we will reimburse you." Eagles used Mom as a secret shopper. Whatever Mom found that was significantly cheaper at Eagles would then appear in a TV ad for Eagles. Thanks to Mom's extroversion we received two weeks of groceries for free.
In High School, I encouraged Mom to join the mother's who supported the fine arts - the theater, the madrigal, etc. She did... and Joyce being Joyce... she asked, "Would any of you like to try a salty dog?" The ladies were intrigued so Mom made a huge batch. By introducing alcohol and fun to the group she was instantly popular and elected President the following year.
When I did Dad's eulogy I came to the conclusion that at his core my father was an introverted brilliant mathmetician who didn't get to do what he loved most - math - but was able to OK with himself because he provided a good life for his wife and kids.
I have struggled with how to characterize Mom. Mom was truly troubled and had demons she couldn't share with Dad nor me. At one point Dad and I were at wits end and by Iowa law it takes two adults to say someone needs to be committed for them to be committed for a psych evaluation. Mom realized we had reached that point so she went in voluntarily and as one of the nurses put it, "Joyce could win an Oscar for her performance in here." Mom was released before they could find something to help her.
Mom and Spellman - my mentor - also suffered from systemic lupus. Spellman connected her to the world's leading doctor on the illness at the University of Iowa. Whereas Spellman saw lupus as a disease to be overcome, Mom saw it as a way to get an audience.
My greatest WTF moment with mom was in 2004 when she announced to the Ford family reunion that she had less than a year to live. Spoiler alert: Mom lived for another 7 years.
Mom's relationship with her sisters - particularly Leona and Ruth is my favorite memories of her. Mom was the older sister who knew she had a built in fan base with her younger siblings.
Mom is/was the extovert's extrovert. She married the introverted mathmetician and at some point had me. I am mini-Joyce. More than once I asked them how they first dated.
Mom: He drove a nice car.
Dad: I knew immediately I loved her. (He later explained she made him laugh... given how German his background is... it makes sense)
When I moved to the UAE I started writing a blog. Why? Mom very much loved me and wanted to know I was safe. Blogging was my way of letting her know I'm OK.
In the summer of 2011 Mom insisted all of us kids gather for their 59th wedding anniversary. Mom was doing great physically and emotionally so I challenged her. "Why not wait until the 60th?" I asked. She burst into tears and said do this for ME. "Yes, Mommie Dearest" I replied and she immediately laughed.
As a teenager Mom and watched that classic movie. If either of us went too far she'd same to me, "Don't make me get the wire coat hangers." and I'd say to her, "Yes, Mommie Dearest."
I have not almost died of shingles as she had by my age... or been diagnosed for lupus as she had been at my age... but my vitaligo is proof enough the auto-immune genes from Mom's side of the family are part of me.
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