Stranger Danger

 Growing up in rural Iowa affords parents a certain level of safety. The reason your children are safe is that the community is close-knit. If someone does something evil it will be remembered FOREVER and the shame that it brings upon the family won't magically disappear. 

When I was 6 my brother Marty - an 11 year old - and I went to the Newhall park while Mom and Dad spent time at Theresa's - Newhall's popular bar at the time. I loved the tornado slide. I could go down that over and over for hours.

On this particular day, the Claypool brothers = a bit older than Marty were there. They not good people. One of the first things they did was pee down the tornado slide. 

Not the Newhall Tornado slide, but an exact replica 

Oscar Wilde wrote, "Everything is about sex... except sex. Sex is about power." 

These older boys then tried to molest Marty and me. I don't think they were gay. I think it was about power. They were older and bigger than us so they wanted to assert their dominance. 

Marty and I escaped and returned to the bar much earlier than Mom & Dad expected. Marty didn't want to tell them what happened. Me? I told them exactly what happened. 

The rage Dad went into is something I will never forget. He tore off in the car to their house, ordered Marty to knock on their door and bring them out. (Mom, knowing Dad as well as she did insisted he stay in the car.) 

So the brothers came out and my father screamed louder than I have ever heard him scream. "If you ever lay a hand on either of my sons again, I will rip your balls off so help me God. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," they replied sheepishly.

*****

I am not a parent, but I understand the need to teach your children about stranger danger. Quite simply, there are a lot of bad people in this world. 

I have no regrets being single but when I think back to the story I just told...Dad was lucky he had Mom. If a six year old Steve had told me he had been molested? I'd have reacted exactly the same way as Dad did and without a Joyce in my life? I might well have ended up in jail that night. 

Oscar Wilde's quote is an interesting debate for another day. For today, Marty & I were lucky we had Dad. Dad was lucky he had Mom. 

And in honor of #PrideMonth, there is zero connection between being gay and being a pedophile. So teach your children to be aware of stranger danger. But don't teach them hate. 

The victim card

Why would anyone ever want to play the victim?

My mentor - Bill Spellman - and my mother -Joyce Kranz - both suffered from systemic Lupus. Ultimately it killed them both. 

Before going on I need to explain my relationship with these two people. I was Mom's favorite. I started this blog when I left America so she could hear from me every day. After she died my interest in keeping the blog alive also died. 

Bill Spellman was a man for whom my relationship with him was beyond friendship/family. I knew well before his death I'd be the one giving his eulogy.

Now, back to the premise.

Spellman and Mom had the same amazing doctor at the University of Iowa. I'd drive 6 hours back from my job in Nebraska to take Mom to her appointments with Strotman. Why? Mom had selective hearing. It was important for me to be in the room to take notes and later explain it to Mom in detail. 

Spellman had it worse than Mom but felt grateful. As I said in his eulogy, "How can you feel grateful?" He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I mean it. So far the lupus is attacking my bones. It could be much worse." 

Mom, on the other hand, saw value in being a victim. My favorite memory of this? The 2004(?) family reunion where Mom told all attendees, "I have less than a year to live." When she sat down I said, "So what are you gonna say next year?" Mom lived another 7 years.

There is no question I am the product of Merlon and Joyce Kranz. I am physically Merlon Kranz. I am psychologically Joyce Kranz... And to be clear, I am also a product of Bill Spellman... My favorite phrase from him? "Fuck you very much." Trust me, I use it a lot. 

The two human beings I was closest to both suffered from systemic lupus. I'd have given my life for either of them without hesitation. One saw it as a speedbump. The other saw it as a way to die as a martyr for a cause. 

Life is weird. 

Crepes

Hi, my name is Steve and I love Nepal. I am an American who also loves visiting Paris. I was shocked a few years back to discover a place in Pokhara that makes better crepes than I've ever had in Paris. My Friench friend Charles was incredulous. There is no way...  

Well, I was happy to take Charles to French Creperie in the heart of the tourist district of Lakeside and when he tried them even he had to admit, "Wow, this is better." If you know anything about the French you know what that was not easy for him to say.

Now I'm more of a savory guy. A gallette is basically a savory crepe. These are also amazing at the French Creperie..

There are so many reasons to love Pokhara. I never thought enjoying crepes and gallettes would be one of them but (shrug) life is weird. 

How do you repay a mentor?

 My mentor, Dr. William Spellman.... when he had his first heart attack the only question I had for his doctor was, "Can I give my heart to save him." I'm not a masochist. My question was not one of vanity for him or me; it was a question I asked because I am economist. The world in 1997 is better if this man lives.

Doc worked hard to teach. (More than I ever have, TBH). When you are incredibly introverted teaching is not easy - as it is for me. Give me a business topic and 5 minutes prep and I can go for as long as you want. It's why I'm on the Hall of Fame wall of my HS. (Extemporaneous speaking attracts nerds... I'm a geek, we are superior.)

We saw each other naked. He saw me shit the bed as I fucked up my early entry into poker - the thing I didn't enjoy but he said, "You have to do this.

As I've said many times, my love for Doc was beyond friendship/beyond family. That, at the age of 27 I'e have given my life for him is a given. 

In a weird way, Doc felt a connection to Dad. I can't say I get it but Life is weird. 

I lost my mentor at the age of 27. Let that sink in. The man I'd have taken a bullet for without a moment's hesitation was taken out of my world at 27. Although Donna gave me permissoin? Doc died knowing I'd give his eulogy. It was Timmy (protoge number 1) or me and I called it first. 

Joyce Anna Ford Kranz

It is easy for me to continue to write.... I can write about Joyce all day. But

The one I want to talk to before I complete her eulogy is Leona. Mom considered her to be her very, very best friend. When Mom died I called Leona to let her know. 

So Judy.... figure out a way Leona and I can Zoom... because I gotra get this eulogy done. 

The youngest of 5 kids, I was Mom's favorite. I say that with no pride. Just as Miriam was Dad's favorite because she was mostl like him psychologically, I was Mom's favorite because I was the most like her psychologically. If you knew Joyce at all you also know that's a double edged sword. Later in life I had a moment with Dad where I said, "Why don't you leave her?" He replied, "This is the life I've signed up for." But this story is not about Dad or me... it's about Joyce Anna Ford Kranz - the most wickedly smart and sassy woman I've met who also had demons that nearly destroyed her family. So buckle up for a eulogy like you have never heard before. 

 In the late 1940's high schools in America gave students the option of going down the vocational route or the academic route. Mom knew she could never afford college so she chose the vocational route. Mom learned shorthand and the ability to type at 100 words per minute without making errors. Back then making errors cost more time than anything because correcting them took a lot of time.

Mom's parents were alcoholics. I have no memory of her mom. My only memory of her is my sister Miriam telling me on the way to her funeral that she felt bad for me because I would never know her. Grandad, on the other hand, I got to know after he had chosen a life of sobriety... and, well, Charles Ford was a hoot. Mom definitely got her sense of humor from him and since I got mine from Mom, Charles Ford lives on with me as he does in Miriam's son Aaron and Kathy's son Greg. 

The reason I have never cared to have children... well there are many reasons. One is the fact that there is a genetic issue in our family. Mom suffered from systemic lupus, a disease that by cosmic coincidence my mentor also suffered from. Doc suffered through it nobly. After an operation that removed a chunk of bone from his arm to be replaced by a metal rod he commented that he was lucky. "Lucky," I replied incredulously. "No, really, I mean it, if the lupus attacks my brain I'm dead in less than 24 hours.

Mom did not take gracefully. She embraced lupus as her right to say or do anything. At the 2004 Ford family reunion Mom announced to all present, "I have less than a year to live." Sitting across from her I rolled my eyes. When she sat down I said, "So what are you going to tell them when you are here next year?" Spoiler alert: Mom lived another 7 years.

If you think I am being overly harsh or critical of Mom then you never met her. She used her secretarial skills to go to work for a lawyer who worked at the back of the bank in Newhall. Dave didn't pay her much but to be honest, she'd have done the job for free.

Mom was the extrovert's extrovert. The woman who engaged people standing in line at the checkout. She was so good at that that Eagles offered to pay for her groceries more than once and challenge us to go to HyVee and buy the same items for a price comparison. 

Mom was lucky enough to have run into Merlon Kranz. Dad was a very good looking guy and drove a great car. They were both teenagers and let's face it, teenagers do stupid things. Dad was the introvert's introvert. The saying opposites attract very much applied to my parents. 

As I was a teenager I convinced Mom to get involved with Benton Community's Fine Arts Promoters (FAP)... in the homophobic 80's I think they could have come up with a better acronym, but I digress. Mom loved this. She not only was popular she became their President during my senior year. Her secret? She introduced alcohol to their meetings. 

I attended every doctor visit I possibly could with Mom. She was notorious for hearing what she wanted to hear as opposed to what the doctor actually said so in a way I was her secretary. One time Mom was having a stent put in a vein close to her haeart. There was one other family there with a procedure being done to their father. All of a sudden we hear, "Code blue" and a nurse with a cart goes rushing past us. The family looked at me, I looked at them and Dad remained blissfully unaware doing the NYT crossword puzzle.  When the other family's doctor came out to say everything was fine they jumped for joy but muted their joy as they looked back at me - the code blue was for Mom.

Because it was gonna be quite some time before they could see their dad they stuck around. By the time Mom's doctor emerged to explain that, yes, Mom's heart had stopped but she's going to be fine that family hugged and embraced me. Dad then was like, "What was that all about." 

For my 21st birthday, Mom took out an advertisement in the Coe Cosmos - the student newspaper of my university. The advert read, "The friends, fraternity brothers and classmoates of Steve Kranz regret to announce that his surprise 21st birthday party has been canceled due to lack of interest." 

Imagine going to your classes and most of your professors have cut that out and put it on their door. Mom knew I was gonna run for Student Body President and this would not help me in any way but to her it was funny. 

I think people often have a sense that their time on this planet is about to end. I know my mentor did. I konw Dad did as I talked with him just hours before... and I guess Mom did. She insisted we all gather for their 59th wedding anniversary.  I was like, Why not wait for 60? "I won't be here" she replied. At first I was a dick, "Mom, do I need to remind you of your family reunion announcement?" She began to cry and I realized this was different. 

We all gathered for a dinner at the Ox Yoke in the Amana Colonies - Mom and Dad's favorite restaurant. The Amana colonies is the right place for my family to meet because it combines good food with good beer. Can you be more German than that?

The best thing I ever did for my parents was to move to the UAE. They took Gus who was their emotional support dog and to make Mom OK with what I was doing I started this blog. That she could read from me every day gave her the reassurance that I'm OK. 

For the conclusion of Spellman and Dad's eulogy I said, "The best thing you can say about a man is that  the world is a better place because he was here."

For Mom I will change it a bit. The woman who delivered divorce papers as a prank for their 25th wedding anniversary has left all Ford/Kranz offspring with a legacy of humor that we shall always try match.